College admissions essays. Sigh. Either you wrote one and loathed every minute of it (who are we kidding? every hour of it), will someday have to write one, or never intend to write such a thing (such a rebel!) Regardless, what you will read below is hysterical & fascinating & makes me realize that the people who read through admissions essays for a living might not actually have the worst job in the world.
Recently, Columbia’s incoming freshman class created a Facebook group for all newly accepted students. And for the sake of an in-depth round of Getting To Know You on steroids, they all agreed to post their admissions essays online for each other to read.
My online addiction, Gawker, compiled some of the best lines from all 70 essays and claim that if you simply follow their format (below) and copy and paste your favorite lines (from above or below), you are 100% guaranteed to get into Columbia next year. Challenge extended.
Hook Em: It’s all about that attention-grabbing first line. And adverbs.
“All week as I looked at the Drum Circle, waiting for the Flag Ceremony to begin.”
“The comfort zone— I was about to leave it.”
“This was a matter of life and death.”
“My fingers twitched at my side, itching to pick up the prosthetic.”
“She was naked, and I was scared.”
What makes you YOU: How do you see yourself? Show us how the world should see you.
“A puppet hidden, a walkway lonely, a pair of scissors cheating, a stone opening, a leaf floating, a door shining.”
“I was no Victor Frankenstein.”
“I love experimenting new things [sic], exploring new places, and assisting those in need.”
“I have always been less than enthusiastic about CPR classes.”
“Behind my mask, I am a criminal. Behind my mask, I am a sinner. My soul will burn in hell, as the Bible—and my father—says. Behind this mask is who I really am.”
Set the Scene: Remember, god is in the details. What did your cheeks do? They burned. What is your mother? A wild horse. How is your skepticism? Radiant.
“I’m creating a language. It’s named ‘Elvish,’ and it’s based on Latin: the ephemeral warrior with the Roman lover.”
“In the temperate winter of my tenth grade year, I developed an interest in rap music.”
“The summer air was sweet and caring as we sat there, drank some root beer and pondered the cosmos.”
“I sat there, perturbed and burning with radiant skepticism.”
“Time skips to a blues rhythm.”
“I feel tingly as my prom date and I stand up together and move to the center of the room. But this time, they aren’t shivers of fear.”
“She [my mother] is a wild horse, as erratic as she is gregarious.”
What Did You Do to Impress: You are a snowflake. You are Gaia. You are all that is good. Don’t be shy when it comes to describing your goals, your achievements, your Beanie Babies.
“I began to participate in Socratic seminars.”
“But as time went on and the songs filed under the ‘Rap’ genre on my iTunes grew in number, I pinpointed exactly where my general discomfort had started: Rap, as a genre and as an attitude, has little-to-no place for women.”
“Almost a month had passed and we only had a handful of Beanie Babies to show for all the work I put into this project. And yet, despite all my efforts, only four members responded to my pleas for Beanie Baby donations.”
“Ironically, I tried hard to use this garment to broadcast my individuality; I went through phases wearing a skullcap bedecked in everything from Pokemon characters to the cast of Seinfeld.”
What You Learned: Your journey is over. What have you gleaned?
“The journey of Taekwondo is analogous to the journey of life.”
“After qualifying for and going to Nationals, I realize that getting there is 90% want and 10% skill. I love knowing that if I try the hardest I will win.”
“Tortoise= America
Hare= Banks
Regulators= Regulators
Tape-makers= Rating agencies
Sub-ground= Sub-prime loans
Bleachers= Housing market
Prize= Bailout
Intricate system of tunnels= Derivative markets”
Conclusion: End it. And end it HUGE.
“I wake up every morning to be nicer, faster, stronger, smarter, and better. I wake up every morning to win.”
“The revelations and inspirations I acquired from my internship have only just begun snowballing.”
“One who seeks to identify himself and be identified by others as a ‘hipster’ undoubtedly strives to conform to the ‘hipster’ construct; he tries to fit himself inside an inflexible ‘hipster’ box.”
“The tide is rising, my ship is packed, and I am ready to set sail.”
“However, I recently found out that “Arrested Development” was revived for another season. Some things aren’t over yet.”
Before I accept your thanks for introducing you to these jewels, I would like to direct you to the Gawker article where you can read two of the essays in full. So good.
I hereby encourage all of you to apply for Columbia. Just hook ’em, tell them what makes you YOU, set the scene, impress them, bestow what you’ve learned, and then end it huge. And just refer to the 100% guarantee from Gawker if they question you.
See you at Columbia!
(Photo credit: Jim Cooke)
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